Wednesday

Wednesday. [sigh] Two weeks ago today my wife’s brother had his life come to an end. But it didn’t just come to an end; his life was ended by his own hand. His name was Christopher.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. You know, the mind is an amazing thing… the ability to observe, process, interpret, discover. I believe it’s a gift. But I also believe it’s a gift that needs to be used according to the purpose of the Giver. In the twelfth chapter in Paul’s epistle to the Romans, we are called to “be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” We can worship the God of the universe with our minds. But the mind can also be our undoing, as I believe it was with Chris. Twice in the book of Proverbs does Solomon say that “there is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” It is possible—and unfortunately quite common—that we limit what our minds take notice of and observe to merely the negative, that we process those observations in ways that skew perspective, that we interpret by blowing out of proportion, and in the end the discoveries are less than stellar and speak untruth to our own selves. The prophet Jeremiah aptly states that “the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” So it is with great care that I think.

There’s a book out that I’ve seen around entitled “Battlefield of the Mind.” I haven’t read it so I can’t comment as to whether or not it’s any good. But the title is quite apropos. There truly is a battle raging for and amidst our thoughts. And it is only corollary that our actions result from our thinking. But the apostle Paul understood this battle when he wrote “for I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.” So it boils down to sin. And we know none are exempt. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Sinful thinking, in this case. So we’re told to “take every thought captive to obey Christ,” but we know it’s easier said than done. There is deliverance for those in Christ—Paul recognizes this after explaining his dual nature… “thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” And just prior to Jeremiah’s warning against the deceitful nature of the heart he says, “blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” So we guard our thoughts, perhaps even think about how we think, and understanding the deceptive nature within us we place our trust not within, but without—in the Lord. And He is worthy of it. It’s a matter of perspective.

Having said all that, I’ve been thinking. And it’s interesting how certain things that were common or insignificant now have meaning in light of what Chris did. It’s as if the world is now full of emotional and sentimental triggers. It’s not surprising that much of this occurs in lyrics. I was listening to a Coldplay song recently—and while I’m more a fan of the music than the lyrical content, I was struck by the opening of a song that reads “Look at the stars, look how they shine for you…” The writer’s meaning was probably significantly different than what I took from it, but nonetheless my ears were deaf to the remainder of the song because my mind was engaged by that first line. My imagination had already placed Chris that early morning around 4am—in his Jeep, parked at a turnout overlooking the city, as the war raging in his mind came to its conclusion. Was it a clear night? Were the stars visible? “For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.” I wonder if Chris saw the stars shining for him.

Was Chris’ thinking so darkened that he was unable or unwilling to observe that which was good in his life? The way he processed and interpreted his circumstances so adrift from reality and the weight of his perceived failures so heavy that the only discovery left to make was that there was no hope? There may be no knowing. But of this I am certain—he was never beyond the reach of the saving arm of God. There was a thief on a cross two-thousand years ago that was promised paradise after a lifetime of sin when he put his faith and hope in the Jesus of Nazareth that hung beside him. I would like to believe that despite Chris’ despair and his desire for a release from earthly suffering, he had such faith—however weak in comparison to the desire to end that which overwhelmed him. But I can’t know, so I trust in the Lord. I trust that He is still good... loving… just… still and always in control. I have peace, but nobody said our hearts wouldn’t break.

People may describe Chris’ passing as untimely. I would have to respectfully disagree. Did God allow Chris to take his life? I believe that He did, or else He would not be sovereign; He would not be in control. I believe that it was Chris’ time. I know that he knew the truth, although I don’t know what he did with it in the end. But it is done. As C.S. Lewis experientially relates, “pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” The pain was evidently too much for Chris to bear, but what a blessing it would be to learn someday that his ears were nonetheless opened before he ended his life.

But now we who remain have a new pain of our own. The question is: will we cause it to deafen our ears as we seek empty and powerless things in which to find solace? Or will our ears hear—perhaps for the first time? The apostle Peter said “the Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” The God that holds the world in His hand desires relationship with us. An empty tomb that only went occupied for three days testifies to this—however you wish to explain it otherwise. Are we so self-made and self-absorbed that we need some undoing by the holiness of God? The prophet Isaiah felt ruin in the presence of God’s holiness—but he didn’t wallow in self-pity—forgiveness was given and Isaiah found meaning and purpose in serving the true and living God.

Times like these are times for reflection; perhaps a time for drawing a line in the sand. For me, I am resolved in my faith through this—resolved to pray, to love, to testify. I will fail—but there is forgiveness and deliverance to be found in Jesus Christ.


“Absolution” by Telecast

Your holiness brings the friendship I need
Loneliness flees as I feel Your glory
Like morning break around me
As I decrease I find You're released
The rush of Your love, like the rush of Your blood
Lord, it sustains me, it sustains me

Want to tell You, tell You I love You
Just to know You, my sweetest friend

“Awake from your slumber, my dear friend,” You say
“Arise and follow, for I am the way
In Me there is absolution”
I've been undone by Your holy touch
Consumed by the fire of Your holy love
Lord, it sustains me, it sustains me

Want to tell You, tell You I love You
Just to know You, my sweetest friend